Everything Fun is Forbidden

I had moved you to the archives a while ago.
And then I found out that you were coming to my city.
I dug you out from the bottom of the heaps.
I had packed your box carefully.
Packed it full of the memory, thoughts and secrets I shared with you alone.
And I took it with me one night.
And sat with an old lover.
We remembered a man eater.
The way she picked bits of the men she loved
from her teeth and cast them aside without a moments hesitation.
They were crushed out like the cigarettes she used to smoke.
They were gone and fast when she was done.
Together the old lover and I burned you.
And we laughed with shaking bellies in doing so.
You were never mine to begin with.
I know this and have known this since our first minutes passed.
But this lover and I are still laughing.
We have tossed you to the wind.
Looking out over the waters edge and watching
each little bit of you drown.

When you look at the sparkle my city offers, know this.
The sparkle of those lights are no match for the sparkle
in the smile I could have kept forever dancing across your lips.
And know this as well- You are so undeserving of any such gifts anyhow.

I do not wish you to rest in peace as you float away.
Only to rest and keep floating, ashes.
Float away.
Float away.
Disappear.

(Also from HS, and I’m pretty sure some of these lines are borrowed (?)… where has this notebook been hiding!!! HAHAHA)

Last night, I dreamed myself fleshless,
bearing over graying seas.
The sand whispered
“Be seperate. Expunge his memory. We possess you.”
I lived in my own universe.
Talked my own unveiling language.
Made myself into what I thought I wanted.
Until I met you.
I am curious about what I am feeling.
Is it real?
Are you?
Do I care?

You ARE a mind, a body and a soul.
You ARE whole.
You make me feel whole.

Imagine yourself.
Lying, floating in a boat.
Do you see me lying next to you,
fingers curled around your wrist?

And what do I do if you don’t?

(Wrote this in HS on a road trip with my bestie thru TX. I was describing the scenery as we passed it…. omg. Depressed much?)

Come into my world of burning hope.
Where desolation is companion to solitude.
Where corruption and contempt
mend love and hate into one.
Broken hearts and broken thoughts reign.
Devils dance at your fingertips.
Trees stand, like crooked hands.
Pointing, reaching for an end.
Come into my secret hell.
Your life’s end leads here.
Darkness is the only light.
Madness is the only calm.
Death is the only peace.
You see, life is buried here.
And more dies everyday.
Insecurity measures comfort.
There is sanity in the silence.
Open up your skull and find gray.
Whispering loathe.
The unborn voices creaking laughter.

I lost myself.

It’s the strangest feeling when you’re just sitting there, spinning and spinning and spinning in one direction… Just trying to stay on the ride. Holding on for dear life. Holding on to everything that you knew. Holding on to everything you thought you ever wanted.

And then, out of the clear blue, it all shifts and you’re whole world is going off in the opposite direction.

Though I miss the old, and I feel like a stranger within this skin, I’m not sure I wish I had grasped to it any tighter than I did.

Sometimes it’s just time to let go.

Just Let Fucking Go.

I can’t help but wonder if you’ll read this.